Are your kids needy? And always asking for help? Do you feel like you’re constantly stepping in to help them do something? Or even to do it for them? Want to know the best rule that I think I ever set in our house to get our kids to become more independent and competent at everyday tasks. Without nagging me to do it for them? Read on to find out how YOU can free yourself from the endless demands of your kids and get them to do things for themselves instead.
First, let’s work out …. are you doing too much for your kids?
We have drilled our kids into a morning routine that is the most well oiled machine I think I have ever created. They get up, they get dressed, they tidy their rooms, they eat breakfast, they do all their chores and often do all of this with time to play before we have to leave. It is fabulous!
A stark contrast to the way we used to leave the house, which looking back now, was fairly comical, yet highly stressful and chaotic before I developed a system that worked.
But, one morning recently, I found myself in a bit of a frazzletits, as I ran around after constant demands and requests from each of my little helpless sproutlings in what felt like an endless chortle of ……..
‘Mum come help me please.’
As I finally sat down in exhaustion, I realised that my super efficient morning system was suddenly showing some holes in it. But why? I distinctly remembered that only the week before, I had found myself sitting outside, having my morning coffee by 8 a.m. Kids all ready to go. Playing happily- and that as usual, they had done it all by themselves.
What on earth had changed this morning?
That’s when I realised what I had done.
You see, from the moment they got up that morning, they had asked me for help.
First, it started with my oldest asking to help find her school socks because I had washed them the day before and she couldn’t find any to wear to school.
Which then of course, led her brother into thinking that he could get away with asking me to help him get his shoes on.
Which inturn led to our third and youngest, yapping her 3 year old demands at me to come and help her with …… well
EVERYTHING!
From the moment they got up, they threw in their little demands and requests for help. And what did I do?
I complied.
I completely and unconsciously complied to each and every one of their tiny, little demands.
And each and every one of those tiny, little demands built up and collected as one huge big snowball of what seemed like never ending tasks that I was faced with as I moved from one child to another in a constant race to get everyone ready for their day. In pure attempt to actually leave home on time like we always do.
So what on earth had happened here?
My super effective, tight ship system had lost all of its effectiveness because my kids had suddenly lost their independence. And they had lost their independence, simply because they had worked out pretty soon in the piece that mummy was willing to help them this morning. And you know what they say ……
‘You give a little ….. they take the whole morning.’
I had succumbed to their every demand. From searching for new socks, to pouring the milk for their cereal, to getting a spoon, to even resorting to helping them dress themselves to get ready for school.
What had that morning come to?
And in my realisation of their total lack of initiative, competence and moreover their desire to be as lazy as they could ever be this one morning, I decided enough was enough.
And so, I created a new rule in the Hamilton household that morning that I intend to stick to. Every moment of every day. For GOOD.
And it has since been super helpful at getting everyone ready in the mornings again – DEPENDENTLY – and freeing up my time to do the things that I need to do too. (Like drink coffee).
So what is this most effective rule or secret to getting your kids to be more independent?
Rule: ‘Don’t do ANYTHING for your kids that they are able to do for themselves!’
It really is an easy mistake to make.
WTF was I thinking helping my 6 year old son do up his Velcro shoes that morning? Who can’t do up Velcro shoes for goodness sake? Well, I know that he certainly can.
Why did I feel the need to go and get my daughter a pair of socks when I knew damn well that she could go and find them for herself?
And why did I feel the need to help Miss 3 year old do almost everything, when she is the most capable 3 year old I have ever met? I mean, seriously, usually there’s no stopping that kid.
Why? Because sometimes it just seems easier to do things FOR THEM.
3 easy steps to implement the rule in your house?
Step #1 Make the rule well known to your child
I shared this golden rule with my children the next morning. They are very clear in the understanding of what it means that Mummy simply WILL NOT do anything for them that they can do all by themselves. I also explained the reason behind it.
Step #2 Decide to stop pressing that easy button!
It can often seem easier to step in at the time and take over or assist them in getting something done. We often unconsciously step in, instead of allowing them to push through it and do it for themselves. But let me tell you, it’s so much more worth it and easier in the long run, to teach them the competency to do it for themselves- so that YOU DON”T HAVE TO. Of course, you need to pick your battles. Time is a huge factor in why us as parents sometimes choose to do things for our kids when we know they are perfectly capable of achieving it on their own. But the more you implement the rule, the more it gives your child opportunity to push past that discomfort of trying something new. And thus, they get better at doing things for themselves.
Step #3: Make a concrete list of your child’s competencies and display it proudly
So that very next morning, we sat down together, before we even started our morning routine and we brainstormed EVERYTHING that each of my kids can already do independently. And with COMPETENCE- that is without help from anyone else- especially ME.
This list included everything from getting up in the morning, to making their beds, to feeding the chickens, to wiping their own bums. Whatever THEY themselves recognised that THEY CAN DO- it went on the list.
The list was fairly extensive and it brought about a feeling of confidence throughout my tribe of yesterdays hopelessness.
This now CONCRETE EVIDENCE, which was produced right from the horses mouths is now stuck to the kitchen pantry door. And is clearly displayed in a brainstorm of competency skills that they own and therefore they are no longer allowed to ask for help with.
Because they have now proudly admitted they can do it all by themselves.
Not only did this encourage a feeling of confidence in themselves when completing this task, it prompted them to start looking at new things that they can learn to do to, so they can add it to their list. And what do you know? Just this morning, Lachie at age 6 opened the seal to a new milk without even asking me how to do it. He just sat there and worked it all out himself. And not at any point did we step in to do it for him. I can barely get those darn seals off myself and yet he worked out a way to do it without any help at all.
Step #4: Let your kids fail
Teaching your kids to fail also gives them the confidence to learn to try. Look for opportunities where they will experience failure so they can become competent at problem solving, experience natural consequences of their own decision making, learn to tolerate frustration and learn to take risks. Be aware of your own reaction or responses to your children when they do make mistakes. How do you react when your child spills something or behaves poorly? Celebrate mistakes and discuss where to go from there.
TIP: We promote mistake making in our house. And at the end of every day we sit at the dinner table and ask everyone what they failed at that day. Then we discuss what we learnt from it and what we can do to improve and move forward. Part of our family affirmations includes the line, ‘We love Mistakes’. This is written and displayed on the wall and we affirm it all the time.
Think your family could benefit from this rule?
Just take a minute to think about how often you might be stepping in to help your kids with something when they could probably do it for themselves. And for the things that they do actually need help with, take the time to guide them through it and teach them how they can gain the competence to eventually do it all by themselves.
Don’t forget that they are learning and you need to be patient with them. Remember the last time you learn something new? Sometimes learning new things can be hard work and often frustrating, but a little spilled milk never hurt anyone. And believe me, the effort you put into teaching them these new skills may seem daunting but everyone will be all the better for it. The very reason our kids are able to do everything for themselves in the morning, is because we put the time and effort into teaching them these competencies in the first place. And now (apart from that particular slacker of a morning), they are competent and confident to do everything themselves. And it’s amazing.
Click the link below for your free printable that we used to highlight our kids competencies so you can have your own CONCRETE EVIDENCE display too.