I think we all begin our parenting journey with ideals and expectations of how we think it is going to be or what kind of parent we imagine we will become. It’s very interesting looking back on how you thought it was going to be, compared to how it actually is and reflecting back on the complete list of things you swore you would never do when you became a parent/ And I bet you have managed to tick quite a few of them off since having kids of your own.
I specifically remember a day, (this being before I had kids of my own), I was visiting a good friend who had a toddler running around and was pregnant with her second. While we were catching up over coffee, her little 3 year old had suddenly worked out how to open the freezer door in the kitchen. The determined little guy knew there was a box full of ice-blocks in there and managed to grab one out. So his mum let him have one, just to keep the peace, as she knew what would follow if she was to say no to him and she clearly wanted and needed to catch up with me and enjoy some adult conversation. Over the course of the rest of the coffee date, he managed to get himself an overall amount of 3 ice-blocks before I left to go home.
“You learn to pick your battles.’ I can still hear her saying.
Looking back now, I can see a picture of my totally naive self at the time, because I also remember thinking that there’s no way in hell that I would ever let my kid do that when I was eventually to become a mum.
Insert big LOL, crying tears type emoji here.
Because of course, it wasn’t until I did become a mum to kids of my own that I fully understood what she meant that day.
For, I soon realised that my very smart friend, had in fact, within that 3 years with her beautiful little boy, not only learnt to pick her parenting battles but she had developed a thick skin and was not afraid to show her true parenting style, no matter who was around.
So anyways, here I am now, 3 kids later, and not only do I just preach the term ‘pick your battles’ but I find it a constant practice with my kids everyday.
Yes I have fed my kids ice-cream for dinner, let them watch too much T.V. sometimes, or let them walk to school with no shoes on. I’ve let my son wear a dress out in public because he just wanted to be like his sisters and I often let my 2 year old wonder through the school to pick up her siblings, completely stark naked because she literally hates anything that is considered clothing on her body.
And this honesty stems from my ability to also not care about what other people think of me and how I parent.
Pushing aside mum ego is something some of us have to learn. This wasn’t actually something that happened straight away for me. It took me quite a long time before I let down my guard and stopped putting energy into worrying about what other people might think about me and how I parent my children. It was pretty late into the piece that I finally realised that sometimes you really do need to let some of the little things slide in order to dissolve the power struggle between parent and child. And in learning to do this, I’m sure I found the key to creating positive and loving connections with my children.
And a lot of the time, the struggles I was facing with them, really was just all about pleasing my very own ego. Because, when I actually stopped trying to please everyone around me for my own gratification, I realised that all the chaos, frustration, overwhelm and anxiety that was in my life since becoming a parent was actually being caused by my ego itself. It was stopping me from enjoying the moment, in the moment with my children and forming that connection that we all needed. My constant need to pursue satisfaction and gratification consistently stood in our way of living our best days together and would often cause friction where there didn’t need to be. I found myself often missing all the lovely things that were happening in those simplest of moments, in order to try and please everyone else, as well as myself.
The day came when I hit rock bottom of mum burnout, all in the name of trying to keep up with my ego. It was only when I was forced to take a hard look at myself, completely anlayse my personality traits that would feed my ego and understand my self beliefs, that I was able to practice the quite simple art of, well just not giving a fuck anymore. And I was able to pull myself out of the whilrwind of chaos that I had created, by letting go of trying to keep up with things that didn’t serve me and put more energy into things that do.
And TBH, it is a constant battle to push my ego aside and try to control it every day. But I do it, as much as I can. Not just for me, but for them too. Because I want to live a more authentic life with my family. I want them to see me for who I really am. I want them to learn who they really are. I want my kids to see the failures that we all make and learn from them. I want them to see that life isn’t perfect. I want them to build their own resilience and strong sense of self. And most of all, I want them to be able to feel that strong connection with me as the mum I am proud to be.
How to let go of your mum ego when it doesn’t serve you?
Learn to understand your ego and what fuels it.
I used to think that having an ego meant that you were egotistical and full of yourself. I’ve since learnt that in fact, everyone has an ego. Put simply, the ego is a picture that you hold of yourself, an artificial sense of self that we develop through our self image and can often be far from the truth. It is part of your personality and has been shaped from the interactions you have had with others in your life.
If you can identify your personality traits you can identify what fuels your ego. A good way to look into your own personality traits is to ask yourself what kind of person you think you are. And how you think others see you. And then, (but be prepared), go ask someone close to you the same things. I did this with my husband, who was brutally honest with me about my positives and my negatives. Which I appreciated because I never really knew these things about myself until I delved into them and sought out another perspective. It turns out, I have 2 very distinct personality traits that help fuel my ego.
I am your typical people pleaser character type. I like everyone to be happy, everyone to be included and I like everyone to like me. I also thrive on being acknowledged and praised for things I do. Since becoming a parent these traits have exponentially grown and I’m always searching for approval, positive feedback and praise for being a good mum. These sorts of things motivate me to try harder and be better. But sometimes, this is not always a good thing and causes me to portray an inauthentic me, thus forming inauthentic, disconnected relationships.
I also fall under the category of being a bit of a perfectionist. And this is a hard trait to deal with when you’re a mum of 3 young children.
For a long time, I didn’t like to fail as a mum. I hated it if my house was dirty, unorganised or messy, if I fell behind on household chores or even if my children misbehaved in public. And in all this, I found that I was not only expecting perfection from myself but would force unrealistic expectations on others around me, including and especially my kids that were often unachievable.
There are of course some positives to these personality traits of mine, but sometimes they have a negative impact on my way of life with my family. It has been super helpful understanding myself better through them and I need to keep them in check in order to hold back on fueling my ego. Look into yourself and work out what personality traits drive your ego, so you too can understand yourself better and realise why you do the things you to.
Stop giving a f#@k what other people think
Sorry for the lack of sensory warning. But this is powerful in terms of taming your ego. I’ve had to learn this concept, mainly through the plights and pitfalls of parenting my son in particular. He is incredibly particular himself and at the top of the scale when it comes to being strong willed. I think he is probably the child who pushes me out of my mum comfort zone more than the others. Yes, he did wear a dress to his older sisters ballet class that one time. And these days, for the life of me, I cannot get him to wear his shoes to school.
In the past, these situations might have left me feeling incredibly uncomfortable and feeling judged as a mum by those around me. So I used to always do my darnedest to never let those things happen. Instead I would let my ego win, and would often argue till I was blue in the face with my children and regularly participate in what looked like daily wrestling matches to get them out the door looking the way I wanted them to. Not the way they wanted to.
It was often my choice, not theirs. And all because I was too scared about what other people might think about me as a parent if I let them out looking the way they wanted to.
These days, I truly do not care about whether my kids are wearing shoes to school, have forgotten their library books or even if, god forbid, they want to wear their his undies on their heads. I no longer need to prove to other people that I’m doing a good job just because my son is wearing shoes today. I no longer feel the need to tell my 2 year old daughter to stop singing so loud in the supermarket in case someone gets annoyed. Nor do I wear my fancy clothes to school pick up or bother doing my hair in the mornings to look good for the whole 10 mins of drop off time where other mums might see me. (Not that I ever did).
Because I simply just do not give a fuck.
But this can only be achieved when you have a positive self image. I had to really understand and actually change my self image as a mum to get there. It was a lot of work, but now, I’ve found that I really don’t need approval from others anymore because I believe in myself as a mum and hold a more positive self image about myself. And I know that I am the best mum I can be no matter what anyone thinks or says.
Analyse and improve your self belief and image.
Self image is so important here, because this is what fuels your ego. If you have a positive self image, then you tend to project a more authentic self, you care less about what others think about you, simply because you think more of yourself. And vice versa. For a long time, I had a poor self image and I have had to work very hard on improving the way I see myself, especially as a mum. There are so many expectations that we put on mums these days that can be really hard to live up to.
Although these days I still get enjoyment when receiving approval from others, I also know I don’t need it like I used to, because my self image has a lot more worth to me now and I hold a higher self belief in my parenting skills. I am well practiced in this parenting thing these days and I feel like I’m doing the very best I can with my children. And that to me, is all that matters. I am a good mum and I feel that every day.
Accept moments as they are and experience them in full presence- without the ego.
I was once at the supermarket with my oldest daughter who was about 2 at the time. She managed to grab a glass jar full of tomato pasta sauce out of the trolley, as she sat high up in the seat at the front. Suddenly, it was like that moment fell into slow motion and I could see her little fingers let go of the jar and I watched it fall into an almighty tomato smashfest onto the floor. At first, I was horrified. Feeling super embarrassed I turned to see a young teenage girl, also staring at me with aghast walking through the aisle.
FML I thought at that very moment. That was until I looked at my daughter’s eyes and realised that she too was not expecting that. She too was horrified by the result of what happened. This really wasn’t her fault, she honestly had no idea the implications of what she had done. She was just playing with something new that had fascinated her (while unbeknownst to me as I searched the shopping aisles) and then, with inquiry, simply dropped it to see what would happen.
And it was in this moment I got to choose. I could choose to feel embarrassed. I could choose to get upset. I could choose to tell her off.
But I didn’t.
Instead…..
I began to laugh.
Her worried expression suddenly changed.
And……..
She laughed.
And then, the teenager in the aisle with us, well, she laughed too.
The moment eased and once I had searched out the supermarket staff to let them know of the destruction we had created they reassured me it wasn’t the first time something like this had happened and it most likely wouldnt be the last.
I only wish I had have got a selfie with my daugher in the aisle afterward for proof of what we had survived.
I could’ve let my ego change the way we experienced this moment together that day. But instead, I chose to drop the shame and embarrassment of the situation and embraced it with laughter, full presence and understanding. I know also never forget to keep those breakable items clear of a toddlers reach at the supermarket.
It’s a skill sometimes to see the moment for what it truly is. Sometimes we need be able to step back in the moment to see it with full awareness.
Raising our children is more important than pleasing our ego.
I really believe that somehow, in these modern times, we have forgotten that raising our children is our most important job of all. We are all so busy and rushed and trying so hard to keep up with the Kardashians that it is only our spare and limited time that we give to our children. And even then, is it even meaningful time that they are getting from us? Or are we always away with the fairies, checking our phones or thinking of other things we need to do instead of thoroughly connecting with our children.
Im sure we all agree that even under the best of circumstances, (Even if you are Kim Kardashian), parenting is pretty damn hard. But most of us, especially these days, are so busy and stressed that it feels like raising our children is our secondary job instead of our number 1 priority. I definitely used to fit into this category in the past.and constantly have to remind myself what is more important, quality time with my children or a tidy house? And it is here that I find that my biggest obstacle to being a calm, conscious, aware and then of course connected mum is letting go of my expectations to please my ego.
It’s so easy for me to forget that raising these tiny humans is more important than keeping a clean house, packing the perfect lunch box, posting the perfect picture of a perfect family on FB or having well behaved children in the supermarket. I constantly have to battle with my ego, which can mask who I really want to be and how I want to parent, and to let go of my expectations and opinions of how I think things should be or how I think my children should act. Because really, at the end of the day, is it a tidy house or a house full of memories that I truly desire?
Happy Ego or Happy Kids?
There really is no question as to what is more important here. When your kids are older, they won’t remember how tidy or clean the house was, whether they wore shoes to school, or if their lunches were perfectly packed, but they will remember playing pirates on the ship you created by pulling the couches together, the tasty cupcakes that you let them decorate imperfectly, the messy family movie nights and any other perfectly imperfect fun moments you let them have because you learnt to leave your ego at the door
and instead
just stopped giving a fuck.