Letting go of perfectionism is really fun. It brings joy back to Mum life and allows you to create authentic and positive connections with your children. I’ve let go a lot since becoming a Mum. With 3 kids, a cat and a dog, let’s just say I’ve had to. But it is a constant work in progress. So, here are the strategies that I use to overcome my perfectionist tendencies and enjoy being a ‘good enough’ Mum instead. Why is it so important to you that your husband folds the towels differently?
I wanted to be a ‘good’ Mum.
My first daughter was always perfectly dressed, well behaved and I had it all sorted.
My third wild child changed all of that. I had to readjust my expectations from the moment she popped out. A perfectly tidy and immaculate house is no fun with 3 kids. Especially one who desires to be an artist and can see every space as a canvas- including the car dashboard!
I used to wonder how Mums let this sort of thing happen. Now I get it.
Perfectionism doesn’t have to be bad. But when it takes over and becomes extreme, life can become difficult to manage. And if you don’t recognise the signs, (as I did not) you can burn out. (As I did).
The important thing to realise is that the desire to be a perfectionist can have collateral damage. Often we think that perfectionism is a good trait. And it can be. It can be the driver of success.
But for many, it can actually be a roadblock to living and creating a life that we love. And this can have serious impacts on the way we raise and program our children.
If we constantly strive to be flawless (impossible) and never make mistakes, (also impossible) even the ‘perfect’ moments have no joy. And it can eat away at our spirit.
Unnoticed and unmanaged, it can even manifest into physical responses such as anxiety and depression. Not to mention the serious consequences that stressed parenting has on our children.
We have good intentions. We are all trying to do our best as Mums. But the reality is that we just can’t do it all. And as I have learnt, it’s really no fun trying to be the perfect Pinterest Mum.
It’s a challenge but letting go of the things that don’t matter and focusing on the things that do IS THE KEY!
And it all comes down to EXPECTATIONS. Life is so much easier when you change your thinking from perfect to acceptable.
I’ve realised that:
- We cannot do it all.
- We cannot do it all by ourselves.
- We cannot live up to unrealistic standards.
Perfectionism and comparison are joy killers.
Want to be a happier Mum? Choose acceptable over perfect. Realistic over unrealistic. Authentic over fake. Simplify and prioritise what is important and embrace the vulnerability of what is real.
And what is real… is often uncomfortable.
Sometimes, we don’t want to show people the real us. I used to fear that someone might pop over and see the mess that was my house, that I hadn’t cooked dinner and that I was exhausted.
But when we hide our vulnerabilities it comes with a cost. It’s hard trying to raise children in a perfect home. It’s stressful trying to be the ‘perfect’ Mum. And I knew that my perfectionism was having serious consequences on the way I was programming my own children!
So I decided to find a way to LET IT GO!
and embrace the idea of ‘ACCEPTABLE NOT PERFECT!’
You need to know that:
- You choose what is perfect.
- You choose what is acceptable.
- You cannot do it all, but you can do the things that matter.
Key strategies to overcome perfectionism!
1. Become aware- what is the true price of you perfectionism?
Awareness is everything when recovering from perfectionism. Practice taking a step back, a deep breath and really analyse the reasons behind your perfectionism.
Start questioning yourself. Every thought, feeling and stand up to the inner critic that is telling you you’re not good enough.
- Why is it so annoying to you that your husband folds the towels differently?
- Or that you feel the need to pour you child’s milk because you know they might spill it?
- Look around you. What kind of Mum are you?
- How do your kids, husband and others close to you respond and react to your perfectionism?
- Are your relationships suffering because of your desperate need for everything to be perfect?
- Who are you really trying to impress here?
Try this: Take a sheet of paper. Divide it into 2 columns. On one side write down all of the words that you HOPE that your kids or close loved ones would use to describe you. On the other, write words that you think your kids would ACTUALLY use to describe you.
Reflect on this. What would contribute to them using those descriptions of you? What behaviours and experiences might lead them to use these words? And are those the words that you want to hear from them?
If not, take time to reflect now and choose what is truly important to you.
2. Change your expectations- Perfect VS acceptable, realistic VS unrealistic
Once you are aware that you are in ‘perfectionist’ mode and understand the effect that it might be causing you and your family remind yourself that perfection is impossible!
Acknowledge the thoughts of perfection, change the inner dialogue you hear and try to be realistic about it instead.
Go back to the WORDS your kids might write about you. Is that what you really want? Let go of some of the impossible things you don’t even need to be doing and focus on the things that you can do.
3. Simplify & prioritise- Rank your To Do’s in order of importance & break things down
Like I said, we cannot do everything. But we can do everything that is important. Categorise your To Do list in order of importance, into Must do’s, should do’s and would like to do’s. Do the things you need to do and realise that the other stuff is not as important and ACCEPT that they can wait.
4. Celebrate your fails- Learn to tolerate imperfection and celebrate mistakes.
We love making mistakes in our house! We talk to our kids all the time about why it’s good to fail, and making mistakes just means that we have an opportunity to learn! My kids literally get excited now when they do things such as drop the milk or spill their cereal because they know that we applaud them for trying! It’s really fun! Try it at home too!
5. Practice letting go of perfection- one step at a time
I remember a day I had my perfectionist friend over as my 4 year old and I made cupcakes. She was horrified that I let her spoon the batter into the cupcake cases.
It was everywhere. A real mess.
And she simply admitted that there was no way she could let her kids get that messy.
The thing is, how do they learn if you never let them do things for themselves? I want to raise competent, confident and resilient kids. And I will choose that any day over teaching them NOT to make amess. Or a mistake.
Start small. Allow your husband to fold the towels.
Teach your kids to pour their own milk.
Celebrate the fails and turn them into teaching moments so they don’t spill it next time.
It might feel uncomfortable to you, but it’s like a muscle. The more we use our ‘discomfort’ and ‘vulnerability’ muscle the better we get at it.
6. Authenticity- No one wants a pretend you.
There’s already a Carol with 4 kids and an immaculate house down the road. No one needs another Carol. But there is only ONE YOU! Be you, be comfortable with who you are and know that you are doing a damn good job at it too!
7. Stop judging yourself
You know that inner monologue that starts from the moment you wake up? You know the…
‘I need to do this…’
‘I should have done that…..’
‘This doesn’t look good …..’
‘I’m not good enough!’
Use your awareness to recognise the unworthy thoughts and replace them with thoughts that you are good enough and you are doing the best that you can. And that is good enough.
8. Don’t be afraid to ASK FOR HELP
We need support. We need connection. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. It is a very basic human need. I love my friends. I love my Mum. And I love the community that we belong to.
I’ve found my tribe and they are the best!
Find your tribe! Get support from wherever you can, even if it is just a regular coffee date with another Mum- set up connections to help you!
You’ll find that once you open up to others about your flaws and imperfections they will be right there with you!