Mum guilt. It’s something every mum knows all too well from the moment they become a mother. Whether you feel it because you didn’t have a natural birth, you didn’t breast feed, you went back to work, you didn’t go back to work, your kids had too much T.V. time today, or maybe that nutritious dinner you intended to make but didn’t have the time to, ended up arriving in a cardboard box.
Mum guilt can occur anytime, sometimes over the smallest of things. From forgetting to brush your kids teeth one night before bed, to not reminding them to use the bathroom before swimming lessons so they accidentally code brown the pool. (This only happened once!)
The list of things we like to worry about and guilt over, never ends.
They eat too much sugar.
They’re not eating enough veges.
They don’t have enough toys.
They have too many toys.
They do too many after school activities.
They don’t do enough after school activities.
I mean really, what do mums NOT worry about?
We are all good mums trying to do our best, and sometimes we need to give ourselves a break. If you are experiencing mum guilt, then there’s no doubt you are a great mum. I love my children like I have never loved anything before, so it is inevitable and probably needed sometimes, really, to feel that mum guilt and be able to reflect on how I think I’m doing as a parent. But sometimes we need to slow that mum guilt down a tad, and if you’re looking for a way to do that, stick around because this narrative is sure to change the way you feel about mum guilt forever.
How a lunch box changed the way I look at mum guilt
While sitting around with a group of mums the other day, we started a discussion about the common phenomena of mum guilt around our kids school lunches. All of us had at one point or another been queried by our children about the contents of their lunch box, as they had described their lunch as inadequate compared to some of the other kids in their class. (Side note: we all know we are in a secret competition to provide the best looking lunch box to fuel our mum ego, don’t deny it).
The reaction from these mums about the lack of appreciation from their children was very similar to mine.
Like WTF??
Seriously, do my children not see how much time I put into making their lunches? Here I am making sure they have their 5+ a day and a great variety of all the important food groups, and yet, they have the nerve to come home and let me know that what they get, is not good enough!
I mean, I am sorry that Little Sally’s mum won the latest Master Baker award and she gets freshly baked muffins and brownies in her lunch box every day. But I just can’t pull that shit off!!
I also don’t want to fill their lunch boxes up with sugary treats or too much crap, so while this made me feel guilty that my kids felt like they had inferior lunches to others, I continued to top up their lunch boxes with extra carrots and fruit sticks so at least they couldn’t complain about not having enough. And then, sent them off on their merry way, back to school with their ‘inadequate’ lunch.
And what do you know? I felt stupidly guilty for it??????
Why do we as mums feel guilty about something we should actually be proud of?
So I took this development, as an opportunity for some further investigation to which eventually I stumbled upon an interesting twist. I decided it was time to get the men involved.
Do Dad’s ever feel Dad guilt? Or at least to the extent that we feel mum guilt?
Well who better to ask than the father of my own children.
“Dad guilt? What’s that?’ he said.
When I began to explain the lunch box scenario to my surprise he burst into an uncontrollable laughter.
“I’ve seen how much love you put into those lunch boxes. If it were up to me, they would get a marmite and lettuce sandwich with an apple if they’re lucky.”
“With no side of guilt.”
“And that’s all I ever got.” [Delivered in typical man tone]
(Before I move on, hold onto the judgements ladies as this man is the most amazing father to my children and he has a pretty good point here).
Astonished but curious I continued to prod at the idea that my children going to school with very little food in their lunch box could be a good thing. I explained that, this would make me super uncomfortable, sending them to school with a lunch box that looked anything less than what I give them, and that I felt sorry for him that, that was all he ever got.
“Are you kidding me?” He looked at me with a chuckle. “My dad sent me to school with very little lunch BUT it was the greatest gift he ever gave me.”
I was so confused. This did not make any sense to me at all. How could sending him to school with such little lunch have ever been any good for him?
He went on to explain that his lunch box contents, or lack thereof, left him incredibly hungry (think about this for a second, the hunger is the key here ladies).
And my man sure LOVES food.
You see, during those lunch time hours at school, every day, he learned to develop a wide range of skills in negotiating and bargaining. And with practice and persistence, he became super competent in talking his way into any or all of the other kids’ lunch boxes in his class. He would not only just get to eat and enjoy his own lunch, but would also end up eating out of a wide variety of other kids lunch boxes too.
This little, hungry child would later go on to become a director of New Zealand’s first experienced based daily deal website/company at age 27, where he managed a staff of over 25, and he seriously attributes his father’s lack of effort in preparing his daily meals as a direct result of this!
He truly believes that he developed the gift of the gab in these early moments of his life that equipped him to be able to take on such a role and responsibility and ultimately led to his business successes.
So could feeling mum guilt be a good thing?
You know, most of us, as mums, can feel guilty about the strangest of little things, that more often than not, we should probably feel proud of.
Maybe that mum guilt is there, for a really good reason.
Perhaps, sometimes, it is worth feeling that mum guilt, by sending your kids to school with little for lunch?
Or no raincoat on a rainy day? Or a forgotten sun hat or overdue library book?
Why not send them to school with that dirty toothpaste mark down the front of their shirt, or that shit stain in their undies that was incredibly hard to remove. (Just kidding………… Or am I? hehehe)
For it is within these moments, that may become their making.
It shows them the importance of resilience. It teaches them to pack their own hat, so they don’t have to sit under a tree at lunch time while their friends play. It teaches them to remember their raincoat so they don’t have to sit in cold and wet clothes all day. It teaches them to brush their teeth properly so they don’t get toothpaste all over their uniform, so you don’t have to fucking wash it everyday.
And at the end of the day, it teaches them responsibility. And it teaches them to think for themselves.
Mum guilt, is actually a very effective emotion. The next time you feel it, know that it is there for a good reason. And more often than not, it means that you are raising your children to be resilient little buggers, instead of entitled little shits.
Start by enjoying the process of teaching your children to grow into that resilient, functioning, happy, healthy and contributing member of your community. And instead of feeling guilty, and feeling guilty about feeling guilty, start feeling proud of the challenges you let them face to get there.
So why not send your child to school with a malnourished lunch box. He may just become the next CEO of Amazon .(Smiley face emoji).